Live with Your Heart

Today happens to be one of those days.  The heart is heavy, the tears flow easily, and strength seems impossible.  A forced smile, some unnecessary worry and aggressiveness all causes me to look at the day and remind myself to live with my heart.  I could complain.  I could run.  I could scream.  My heart simply hurts from missing these two.

Circa 2010

By looking at these two men it has caused me to realize that I need to live more fully with my heart.  To love.  To live gently.  To live gracefully. To move forward on the path meant for my family; to continue to provide roots of love, understanding, strength, laughter but also to help each and to encourage everyone of us grow wings.  I have lived a life full of growth, of opportunity, of mistakes and one full of love.  Mr. F has always stood beside me unflinching.  He has always grasped Chad and Claire within his arms and loved them unconditionally.  I am one lucky lady.  There has not been one morning that I have woken up basking in the quiet.  I long to hear the pitter patter of Chad's feet as he gets dressed in the morning, to watch his tired eyes as he adjust to the light, to have him wrap his tiny arms around my neck and pull me in and beg me to sing him one more Sunshine.  To hear him talking with Happy, encouraging her to complete the tasks she is learning to do.  There has not been one morning that I have woken up relishing in my empty bed.  I long to annoy Mr. F through hogging the entire bed and stealing all of the covers.  Quietly sneaking around the bedroom so I don't wake him from his sleep.  Watching him lying there completely oblivious to the waking world.

Days like those are temporarily memories, but I am longing and fast forwarding until they arrive.  All four of us can climb in one gigantic over-sized bed and chat and laugh our day away- just relishing in the presence of one another.  I suppose until then, I need to remember to just be happy.  To not complicate the thoughts of missing my boys, to accept those thoughts and feelings but to relish in the time I do have with them-- even if it does take place 5000 miles away.  To know that in a matter of months, something wonderful is going to happen.  Happy and I will be reunited with our favorite men.  The ones we so desperately love and miss.

Each day presents a series of emotions.  Still, we live with no regrets.  We stand by and believe our decision to be the best.  Missing those we love is a natural human emotion.  What we have gained, learned and the roots we have managed to develop as a family are irreplaceable.  This adventure, the life we live in Africa, is one that we will never forget or regret.  Our life here has been simple.  Yet, simply amazing as well.  We have managed to travel more than we could have imagined.  We have met people who have become family in a matter of months.  We have looked into the eyes of our children and seen them shine by simply being themselves!  We have broken through the barriers of stereotypes surrounding cultures and religions.  In turn we have learned that people are people.  We have taught our children that life that is different from America is not a scary life rather a different life with different resources.

In the end, I miss my boys.  I miss having my family constantly surrounding me- warming my heart.  Soon I will get to see their faces and kiss their foreheads.  Chad will get to hold his sister's hand and teach her all the ways of life again.  I will get to steal all the blankets from Mr. F.  Until then, live gently and gracefully.  Live as Happy lives-- simply amazing!

We love and miss all of you at home.

xo

Lex