To Exist

Existing in two places has become one of the most heart wrenching and eye opening experiences of my life. Living here, we have developed a home- a place that Chad and Joe both had to bid their farewells to months ago.  Having Joe and Chad in The States, they hold huge pieces of my heart.  At this moment, I exist nowhere fully.  However, existing in two places has oddly created a sense of understanding and discovery. We have chosen to live; to be brave with our lives.  We have managed to create, to build, and to balance. There are times that I can't find the words to share my life with all of you.  There are times that I selfishly do not want to share my thoughts because they are too personal for a village to know.  They are the thoughts that have helped me find my soul; places we allow very few to tread.  So today, as I struggle to find the words; please just try to read my heart and mind as you read:)

We are all unique- no matter where we come from, our hearts are like fingerprints.  Different thoughts, different experiences, different struggles that have all managed to make us who we are and who we continue to grow into.  If there is anything that this experience has managed to teach me it is to accept my flaws and to accept other's flaws as a part of the beauty that makes them who they are.  Not one of us is perfect.  Instead of tearing each other a part, we need to build each other up.  Smile.  Laugh.  Hug.  We all have the ability to be elegant and conduct ourselves in manners that spread kindness and love.  I can only hope that when I return I can continue to work on becoming a reflection of this not merely for myself; largely for Mr. F, Happy and Chad.  They are all deserving and in all honesty, I want my children to grow into strong, confident, and elegant human beings.

I have many flaws; many of which I can outwardly admit; ones that are hard for me to control.  I find it incredibly difficult to leave people and places.  In turn, I selfishly don't like when other's leave either- even if they need to!  Moving to Morocco was a decision that I arrived after hundreds of hours of thought.  But ultimately it came down to two reasons: "Why the hell not?"  and "If not now, then when?"  As Mr. F drove me to the airport; I sat in silence with two little kids in the back of the car.  One I had to kiss goodbye and tell her "see you soon."  The other I got to hold his hand and begin our journey together.  That entire car ride, I sat- thinking, wondering, admittedly crying.  Leaving is one of the most difficult things for me to do.  I hold fast to those I love because I manage to build my home in people, not places.  I find it hard to move forward because of this.  Building homes in people; the ones we love is wonderful, but I often find that because of that, I fear leaving as it feels as if I have cut the strings- when in fact that isn't the truth.  Reality bring truth.  By leaving we created an even sturdier home within our family.

So nine months later, here I sit- writing to all of you after 'cutting the strings.' Leaving the people and places where I housed my heart.  Where I have faced the fear of temporarily leaving those I love behind. We have built a life of experience, growing comfortable not just in each other, but ourselves.  We are filling ourselves up love and not hate; with culture, knowledge, experiences.  We are surrounding ourselves with people who have nothing but love to give; who in turn teach us how to love- as long as we are listening for it.

For you, I hope you find my odd and imperfect post interesting, possibly even thought-provoking.  Today, I hope you turn to someone-- anyone and tell them about the good you see in them.  Show appreciation for those that surround you, inspire you and work towards accepting the flaws of others as apart of their unique beauty created by their unique story.

We love and miss you all at home.

xx

Lex

What Will I Miss About Marrakech?

Last week, I had a friend ask "What will you miss about Marrakech when you come home?"  Honestly, on the spot, I couldn't think of anything.  No surface answers came to mind except the relationships we have managed to develop; but nothing about Marrakech itself.  I found myself pondering that question the past few days.  Claire and I had a long walk through Marrakech on Saturday and as she napped, I thought.  I thought about our experiences in Marrakech and the life we have managed to build thousands of miles away.

Thinking deeper than the surface, I was able to think of a lot of things I will miss about Marrakech and these are the reasons that as we approach homecoming, it is a bitter sweet experience.  Marrakech has a rich history that has rooted itself into the culture.  Everywhere you look, the architecture, the people in traditional dress, all ties back to the richness of the history and the resilience in believing to hold fast to their faith.  It all started with the Medina with the walls of protection.  From the Medina the city outside the walls began to be built.  The web and mess of streets that can keep you lost for hours navigating directions that make sense in a pre-planned city.  Marrakech wasn't pre-planned.  It developed.  The streets are far from grids, the twist, they bend, they web out and do not connect in ways our minds think they should.  This history is found in the vibrancy of the colors and the ornate decoration of the tiles, flooring, carved archways and lighting.  It is rather deceiving to walk through the Medina and see what could be deemed as a desolate area, then you open up the battered door with litter strewn onto the dirt ground.  Just behind the door can lie a beautiful home or riad that was build and designed with history and care to hold true to the core beliefs of the Moroccan culture.  Pools with fountains, lanterns scattering designs across the painted walls, and walls and ceilings covered in carved wood.  Judging from the outside, you would have never fathomed what lies behind those doors.

Morocco has a variety of landscapes that beckon to be explored.  While living in Marrakech, we have managed to see the Mountains, the Sahara Desert, an Oasis, and the Atlantic Ocean.  Each area has a unique spin on the culture that makes each place sightly different than the other.  Whilst living in Morocco, we have been able to travel to other countries.  This opportunity has provided us the most important one of all; we have seen not just landscapes- but the world through new eyes, developing an understanding of life.  We have removed the option for ignorance and hatred from our children's eyes.  They have loved other children from all of the world- connected heart to heart.

I will miss the genuine love and appreciation my children have experienced while living here.  They are loved. We can be in the middle of the butcher and Claire will be giving a blown up glove and a piece of turkey lunch meat.  We can go into Yves Rocher to buy nail polish and Claire walks out with a free body wash and reusable bag- why?  Because they dote and love children.  I love that my children are accepted, loved, and appreciated.

I will miss the utter inconvenience of buying my weekly groceries form three different places in three different directions.  Why?  Because of the loyalty, the familiar faces and the developed relationships with the people you interact with daily. The butcher- they always know what I am asking for and have managed to teach my some Arabic along the way.  The grocery store- watching the cashier go from a tiny pregnant belly to very pregnant to now understanding she is on maternity leave.  The veggie market- going for the bread and tea then to purchase veggies from Redouan and Claire always walked out with a free orange.  Yes, absolutely inconvenient.  A process that could take two days, but in the end- an unforgettable experience.

I will miss running down to the hanut or placing my order at a restaurant and not thinking about it, but speaking French and Arabic (minimally) and hearing my accent change from American French to more French.  Claire greeting locals with Bonjour and saying goodbye with Auvoir.  All the while beginning to clarify their meaning and connecting English and French.

I will miss the life that has broken the barriers.  We have friends from the UK, Australia, Philippines, Canada, Morocco, France, Spain... We have busted through the borders and come together in a central place.  We genuinely love each other, love each others children and will miss one another.  Whether we all choose to talk again or not, I do believe that we will all be connected at the heart for life.  The friends you can pick up in 15 years where you left off.

Most of all, I will miss the place that we had the opportunity to call home together as a family- away from everything familiar; only having each other to navigate the strange.  Free from everything to help build a life anew.

Marrakech is a place that will forever be in my heart.  A place that I will never be able to lose memory of.  A place I may long to return because it has provided us a beginning for our entire family.  A beginning of opportunity and richness beyond the self imposed barriers the majority of the population faces.  So, Ms. Joan- that is what I will miss about Marrakech.

We love and miss you all at home.

xx

Lex

The Munchkins

My two kids are vastly different from one another.  Chad is an old soul.  He truly loves and cares for others.  Thinks deeply, questions to understand, and is creative beyond belief.  Claire is happy.  She loves to sing, she independent and loving.  She connects with people at a level many people will never reach in a lifetime.  She thinks and responds to questions I ask her with such thought but sometimes also sarcastically.  She surprises me with her ability to understand and feel happiness and other's heartache.  She is carefree and lives day by day with her fairy wings on.  Somehow, these two munchkins manage to connect together and have created a bond that consumes them at times.  Sometimes I wonder- do Mr. F and I exist in the room right now?  They help each other, play together, hug each other, and just down right love one another.

I was completely blessed with two kids that I am sure I do not deserve.  They are truly gifts.  Their smiles light up my world.  Their laughter and pure joy is what keeps me going, keeps me slowing down, keeps me refocusing on what is important; family.

Claire and I have managed to create a bond and love for one another these past few months in Marrakech.  We only have each other and that has managed to connect us very deeply.  I was lucky enough to be able to create this bond with Chad too, when he was just an infant.  When you are able to spend time with your children- alone- I feel like I have been able to truly get to understand and see my children as individuals. Have conversations with them without interruption.  Listen to them carefully.  Share in playtime.  Share in dinnertime.  Share in our everyday life.  All beautifully and selfishly.

However, being away from my family, from Chad has created holes in my heart.  Chad has been on my mind everyday since he left (and very much Claire's mind too!).  I am so glad he has Mr. F, but when I see that boy, I might squeeze him so tight his head pops right off!  I often picture a cheesy but wonderful scene once we arrive home.  I picture all four of us lounging on the couch- entangled feet, arms and heads watching a movie with full hearts and a completeness that could never be attained otherwise.  Feeling my boys breathing.  Hearing their heart beats and being able to touch their faces.

We are now counting down from the mid 30s in days left... I am sure the minutes cannot pass fast enough. I find myself going through cupboards and wanting to pack until I realize I really do have lots of time left- packing may be a bit ambitious.  Moving to Morocco has blessed our family in so many ways and I cannot communicate the feeling I have in leaving this family I have created in Morocco.  Aisha, Anna, Danielle, Romy... all huge parts of my heart that continue to send me love every single day.  When I become overwhelmed or have reason to celebrate or just when we feel like knocking on each other's door- the friendship and relationship is always there.  I am lucky enough to be returning to similar relationships in Redmond.  My world of friends and my world of family.  It is hard to say goodbye, but I also relish in the fact I get to see so many smiling and familiar faces; foster old friendships, and develop new.

As for life, we have had a lot going on at school from Professional Development nights to Spirit Week.  In fact, Claire is dressed up to show her Moroccan Pride today.  Isn't she cute?!

I will have a larger update for you all after my brother, Travis and my sister-in-law, Meredith come to visit!  They arrive on the 20th and I am beyond excited!  We will be having many adventures and I will be showing them Marrakech and other parts of Morocco.  Stay tuned:)

We love and miss you all at home.

xx

Lex

Settling the Confusion

There have been several times I have found myself lost in deep thought.  Fighting confusion, feeling lost, and discovering excitement.  This year, my family has managed to live apart from August 2013 to June 2014- with times we were able to connect and live normally once again; my favorite weeks of my past 30 years so far. I still relish in the memories; from our home in Marrakech to our holiday in Paris.  Our family grew together.  We experienced lives that naturally brought all of us together within a bond that keeps us connected at the heart and the mind five thousand miles away.  I have felt utter joy watching Happy and Mr. F walk off the airplane to join us in Morocco in October.  My heart never felt so full having all four of us back together.  I have felt a soul shattering sadness watching my two boys rise through the escalators in Paris, watching them disappear knowing I won't see or touch their faces for another six months.  We call Mr. F and Chad every single day.  We ache to see their faces, to hear their voices.  We talk, we laugh, we cry, and we miss each other from afar.  In the end, I have said a million times over, I do not regret this decision.  It was possibly the best choice Mr. F and I could have made for all of us.  We have all managed to grow and to learn.  To let go of worldly things. To focus on what matters to the heart.  To completely understand and know that this life we are living is absolutely perfect.

I would be lying if I told you that I never think about how life could change once again after we come back to America.  That, my friends, is where I loose myself in deep thought- where I feel lost.  There are so many changes happening in our lives.  Choices we had to make- to come back- to stay?  We were presented with options and paths we had to choose to focus on once again.  Coming back to America scares me at times.  Why?  I am afraid of falling into a life that is filled with more things to do and less cherishing the moments.  A life that becomes overwhelmed with cell phones, Facebook, and any other avoidance of actual human conversation and contact.  I am afraid that we will stop learning and experiencing the world.  The one that exists across borders, that requires you to break through stereotypes, that forces you to step outside of your comfort zone, the one that creates an internal view of what is truly out in the world from beauty to sadness.

In coming back, I have my family which is always my first focus.  In deciding to come back to America, I have also been presented with options from job offers to houses to being thrown back into the community you left.  Hence, comes the confusion.  When you temporarily leave your home- travel parts of the world, refocus your life, change parts of your soul- coming back is confusing.  Where is my place in the world?  Where is my place at home?  To step back into the same roles and routines is a concept I will be grappling with for sometime.  Maybe perhaps I am more concerned and confused with the understanding of piecing my two lives together to make it all fit back together in one place; a place where everyone of you knows me.  Expects me.  What if me is slightly different?  What if me is drastically different?  What if me is distant from what used to interest me, because frankly it doesn't interest me anymore.  It feels like finding your way in the darkness- you know the light will shine through eventually when the sunrises.  The confusion and worries will part, but I hope that it will feel like home again.

Now, for the excitement.

Yes, I do in fact have a countdown application on the iPad with the exact amount of days, hours, minutes and seconds until I arrive home.  Why?  Because of these two.

Are they not the cutest ever? Circa-2011

I do not look at the application on a daily basis because it would drive me crazy, but I have been known to take screen shots of it and send them to Mr. F.  It is my way to communicate my excitement from 5,000 miles away until I get to embrace my boys.

While Claire and I are still living in Morocco, we have had a few adventures worth blogging about.  Easter.  Let's start there.  Danielle, being the amazing human that she is, brought Easter Egg Coloring Kits back from Romania.  She boiled eggs and invited all of the Nakhilians over for an Easter Egg Coloring Party.  Claire absolutely loved it, but she did keep saying "I am going to color eggs with Chaddy, Daddy, Nonnie, and Papa."  So... we may have to color Easter Eggs this summer as a family.  She enjoyed it thoroughly, but definitely missed the family.  She is just like her mama- it is about doing the project WITH the family:)  Love her heart.

Claire and Evan playing with Nesting Dolls

Getting our Glitter on!

We took our eggs home, I actually think they are still in the refrigerator:/  I don't have the heart to throw them out yet.  She opens up the fridge and ooos and ahhhhs at her eggs still. I will throw them out when they stink!

Last week, we arrived home from work earlier than usual as we rode home with my friend Aisha.  Once we got home a big lightning and thunderstorm started.  It was actually the loudest thunderstorm I had heard in my life.  I actually thought it was going to wake Happy from her sleep.  At one point during the storm, Happs and I heard pelting on the window.  We looked outside and say hail!  It was amazing to see hail coming down in Morocco.  A lot of the Moroccans kept referring it to snow... that is how rare hail is!  Especially since it was probably 65 degrees out still.

Claire had her first field trip with KG0.  She went to Andrea Park about five minutes from the school.  I was not able to go- but let's say that she came home that night and fell asleep by 630p and didn't wake until the next morning at 630a.  She was one tuckered out girl.

Hula Hoopin'

I love that her teachers love her!

The following day after Claire's field trip, Danielle and I got to take our kids on a field trip too!  We went up to Terras de Amanar.  Now, I was up the night before until 130a due to a Skype interview back home.  I was up at 600a, getting prepared for this very active day.  We arrived at school, loaded the buses and rove 45 minutes up to the mountains.  We arrived with a bus full of excited first graders.  We were going to complete the zipline course.  All of our students did AMAZING!  I was smitten because I got to participate as well... keep in mind, this is the little kiddo course!  My plan is to go back up with Danielle and do the Black adult course zip lining across valleys!  Yep!

Maneuvering across

Lunch with the crazy kids

This has been a longer than usual weekend.  I had an interview Wednesday evening, accepted a position back at home and Danielle and I had a celebratory dinner at Chez Joel.  It was a fantastic dinner- probably the most flavorful dinner I have had here in Morocco yet!  The mojito was amazing too.  Labor day was Thursday and Friday was an extra day for us.  So, we had a four day weekend to relax, be lazy and enjoy a few more adventures.  Happy and I were lazy kids yesterday.  We didn't leave the house much which was really nice for the both of us.  We played in her mini pools outside, scootered, worked out, and then cuddled.

Today, we rented a couple care with The Gaunts and The Romans and drove out to Aqua Park.  We arrived around 11a ready for a day full of adventure.  Aqua Park proved to be just that.  A water park with 6-8 pools, kid play areas and slides, adult slides, complete with loungers and cabanas.  Claire and I immediately went to the water- which was cold, but as the day progressed, we cared less and less.  Although we were there with two other families, everyone parted their own ways, came back together, and would part again. Honestly, that was really nice.  Claire and I were able to play a lot together- just the two of us.  I try to take advantage of those moments as the older she gets, the rarer they will be.  

She tried the slides, water wing swimming and was laughing, splashing and pushing me around the pool.  At one point, she was so confident with the slides she said as she stood at the top of the slide "Go mommy.  Go wherever you want to go.  Just go." I had to pull of my mommy tricks and pretend I was ignorning her as she slid down the slide but was close enough to catch her if needed.  She would laugh as she landed each time and jump right back up saying "More of the rainbow slide!"

At one point, Claire and I were busting out our pool dancing moves as gangster paradise blared from the speakers (Mr. F, thought of you here!:))  Anna said they tried to film us because apparently we were quite the show, but we concluded our act a bit too soon.  Nearing the end of the day, you could see us sitting poolside with our feet dipped in looking at all of the ladybirds next to the water and us putting them in the grass.  Then cuddling up close in our towels under the cabana.  I was able to sneak in one adult slide with Anna on a double tube.  We laughed and flipped our tube somehow as we landed in the water.  It was fun:)

Suddenly, grey storm clouds rolled in closer, Nick decided that we should do some slides together before we left.  So we ran and got a double tube and climbed the stairs to the freen slide.  Down we went.  Nick is similar to Joe.  They think it is funny to watch me get a bit squeemish.  So, Nick was intentionally pulling and guiding the tube up the side walls on the curves.  I couldn't stop laughing and screaming.  At one point my brain was able to produce a rational thought.  It said "You should close your mouth before you land in the pool."  I did.  However, Nick and I just skidded across the water right to the stairs.  I was able to exit gracefully, while Nick toppled off into the water, claiming to be 'stylish.'  We decided to try one more slide- went up, he told us not with the yellow tube- we needed a blue tube.  We cried a bit but went for the green slide again.  Still just as fun.  Then the lighting and thunder started- yet Nick suggest one more time- let's take two blue individual tubes.  So we ran and hid our faces from the rest of our group, practiced our sheepish faces for our return and climbed the stairs again.  Sadly, we went up and the guy apologized and said- no only the blue double tubes.  Dang.  We failed again.  So, green slide it was- again.  I am pretty sure I could now do the green slide in my sleep.  Nick said, "I didn't hear you screaming on that one."  Alone is boring.

Complete with Tweety Bird Showers

Lunch

Yum. Pool. Sun. Cabanas. Beer. Morocco.

Maia, Nick and Claire

Through the thoughts of feeling lost, confusion, and excitement- we live each day with purpose and passion if not for the day but for those we love.  It is clear that Claire and I are apart from Mr. F and Chad for 40+ more days, so we decide to at least focus, live and play in that time we have left.  Create memories for us and memories to share.  To keep building our family togehter- each little pieces, making sure that every day we give 100%.  A family chooses to be happy- to give 100% each day.  No matter what your 100% looks like, Mr. F, Chad, and Claire deserve me to be there 100%.  Well, heck, I deserve to be 100% present because these three make me that happy.  

My closing thought for you is "If it's both terrifying and amazign then you should defineatly persue it." -Erada 

xo

Lex