Settling the Confusion

There have been several times I have found myself lost in deep thought.  Fighting confusion, feeling lost, and discovering excitement.  This year, my family has managed to live apart from August 2013 to June 2014- with times we were able to connect and live normally once again; my favorite weeks of my past 30 years so far. I still relish in the memories; from our home in Marrakech to our holiday in Paris.  Our family grew together.  We experienced lives that naturally brought all of us together within a bond that keeps us connected at the heart and the mind five thousand miles away.  I have felt utter joy watching Happy and Mr. F walk off the airplane to join us in Morocco in October.  My heart never felt so full having all four of us back together.  I have felt a soul shattering sadness watching my two boys rise through the escalators in Paris, watching them disappear knowing I won't see or touch their faces for another six months.  We call Mr. F and Chad every single day.  We ache to see their faces, to hear their voices.  We talk, we laugh, we cry, and we miss each other from afar.  In the end, I have said a million times over, I do not regret this decision.  It was possibly the best choice Mr. F and I could have made for all of us.  We have all managed to grow and to learn.  To let go of worldly things. To focus on what matters to the heart.  To completely understand and know that this life we are living is absolutely perfect.

I would be lying if I told you that I never think about how life could change once again after we come back to America.  That, my friends, is where I loose myself in deep thought- where I feel lost.  There are so many changes happening in our lives.  Choices we had to make- to come back- to stay?  We were presented with options and paths we had to choose to focus on once again.  Coming back to America scares me at times.  Why?  I am afraid of falling into a life that is filled with more things to do and less cherishing the moments.  A life that becomes overwhelmed with cell phones, Facebook, and any other avoidance of actual human conversation and contact.  I am afraid that we will stop learning and experiencing the world.  The one that exists across borders, that requires you to break through stereotypes, that forces you to step outside of your comfort zone, the one that creates an internal view of what is truly out in the world from beauty to sadness.

In coming back, I have my family which is always my first focus.  In deciding to come back to America, I have also been presented with options from job offers to houses to being thrown back into the community you left.  Hence, comes the confusion.  When you temporarily leave your home- travel parts of the world, refocus your life, change parts of your soul- coming back is confusing.  Where is my place in the world?  Where is my place at home?  To step back into the same roles and routines is a concept I will be grappling with for sometime.  Maybe perhaps I am more concerned and confused with the understanding of piecing my two lives together to make it all fit back together in one place; a place where everyone of you knows me.  Expects me.  What if me is slightly different?  What if me is drastically different?  What if me is distant from what used to interest me, because frankly it doesn't interest me anymore.  It feels like finding your way in the darkness- you know the light will shine through eventually when the sunrises.  The confusion and worries will part, but I hope that it will feel like home again.

Now, for the excitement.

Yes, I do in fact have a countdown application on the iPad with the exact amount of days, hours, minutes and seconds until I arrive home.  Why?  Because of these two.

Are they not the cutest ever? Circa-2011

I do not look at the application on a daily basis because it would drive me crazy, but I have been known to take screen shots of it and send them to Mr. F.  It is my way to communicate my excitement from 5,000 miles away until I get to embrace my boys.

While Claire and I are still living in Morocco, we have had a few adventures worth blogging about.  Easter.  Let's start there.  Danielle, being the amazing human that she is, brought Easter Egg Coloring Kits back from Romania.  She boiled eggs and invited all of the Nakhilians over for an Easter Egg Coloring Party.  Claire absolutely loved it, but she did keep saying "I am going to color eggs with Chaddy, Daddy, Nonnie, and Papa."  So... we may have to color Easter Eggs this summer as a family.  She enjoyed it thoroughly, but definitely missed the family.  She is just like her mama- it is about doing the project WITH the family:)  Love her heart.

Claire and Evan playing with Nesting Dolls

Getting our Glitter on!

We took our eggs home, I actually think they are still in the refrigerator:/  I don't have the heart to throw them out yet.  She opens up the fridge and ooos and ahhhhs at her eggs still. I will throw them out when they stink!

Last week, we arrived home from work earlier than usual as we rode home with my friend Aisha.  Once we got home a big lightning and thunderstorm started.  It was actually the loudest thunderstorm I had heard in my life.  I actually thought it was going to wake Happy from her sleep.  At one point during the storm, Happs and I heard pelting on the window.  We looked outside and say hail!  It was amazing to see hail coming down in Morocco.  A lot of the Moroccans kept referring it to snow... that is how rare hail is!  Especially since it was probably 65 degrees out still.

Claire had her first field trip with KG0.  She went to Andrea Park about five minutes from the school.  I was not able to go- but let's say that she came home that night and fell asleep by 630p and didn't wake until the next morning at 630a.  She was one tuckered out girl.

Hula Hoopin'

I love that her teachers love her!

The following day after Claire's field trip, Danielle and I got to take our kids on a field trip too!  We went up to Terras de Amanar.  Now, I was up the night before until 130a due to a Skype interview back home.  I was up at 600a, getting prepared for this very active day.  We arrived at school, loaded the buses and rove 45 minutes up to the mountains.  We arrived with a bus full of excited first graders.  We were going to complete the zipline course.  All of our students did AMAZING!  I was smitten because I got to participate as well... keep in mind, this is the little kiddo course!  My plan is to go back up with Danielle and do the Black adult course zip lining across valleys!  Yep!

Maneuvering across

Lunch with the crazy kids

This has been a longer than usual weekend.  I had an interview Wednesday evening, accepted a position back at home and Danielle and I had a celebratory dinner at Chez Joel.  It was a fantastic dinner- probably the most flavorful dinner I have had here in Morocco yet!  The mojito was amazing too.  Labor day was Thursday and Friday was an extra day for us.  So, we had a four day weekend to relax, be lazy and enjoy a few more adventures.  Happy and I were lazy kids yesterday.  We didn't leave the house much which was really nice for the both of us.  We played in her mini pools outside, scootered, worked out, and then cuddled.

Today, we rented a couple care with The Gaunts and The Romans and drove out to Aqua Park.  We arrived around 11a ready for a day full of adventure.  Aqua Park proved to be just that.  A water park with 6-8 pools, kid play areas and slides, adult slides, complete with loungers and cabanas.  Claire and I immediately went to the water- which was cold, but as the day progressed, we cared less and less.  Although we were there with two other families, everyone parted their own ways, came back together, and would part again. Honestly, that was really nice.  Claire and I were able to play a lot together- just the two of us.  I try to take advantage of those moments as the older she gets, the rarer they will be.  

She tried the slides, water wing swimming and was laughing, splashing and pushing me around the pool.  At one point, she was so confident with the slides she said as she stood at the top of the slide "Go mommy.  Go wherever you want to go.  Just go." I had to pull of my mommy tricks and pretend I was ignorning her as she slid down the slide but was close enough to catch her if needed.  She would laugh as she landed each time and jump right back up saying "More of the rainbow slide!"

At one point, Claire and I were busting out our pool dancing moves as gangster paradise blared from the speakers (Mr. F, thought of you here!:))  Anna said they tried to film us because apparently we were quite the show, but we concluded our act a bit too soon.  Nearing the end of the day, you could see us sitting poolside with our feet dipped in looking at all of the ladybirds next to the water and us putting them in the grass.  Then cuddling up close in our towels under the cabana.  I was able to sneak in one adult slide with Anna on a double tube.  We laughed and flipped our tube somehow as we landed in the water.  It was fun:)

Suddenly, grey storm clouds rolled in closer, Nick decided that we should do some slides together before we left.  So we ran and got a double tube and climbed the stairs to the freen slide.  Down we went.  Nick is similar to Joe.  They think it is funny to watch me get a bit squeemish.  So, Nick was intentionally pulling and guiding the tube up the side walls on the curves.  I couldn't stop laughing and screaming.  At one point my brain was able to produce a rational thought.  It said "You should close your mouth before you land in the pool."  I did.  However, Nick and I just skidded across the water right to the stairs.  I was able to exit gracefully, while Nick toppled off into the water, claiming to be 'stylish.'  We decided to try one more slide- went up, he told us not with the yellow tube- we needed a blue tube.  We cried a bit but went for the green slide again.  Still just as fun.  Then the lighting and thunder started- yet Nick suggest one more time- let's take two blue individual tubes.  So we ran and hid our faces from the rest of our group, practiced our sheepish faces for our return and climbed the stairs again.  Sadly, we went up and the guy apologized and said- no only the blue double tubes.  Dang.  We failed again.  So, green slide it was- again.  I am pretty sure I could now do the green slide in my sleep.  Nick said, "I didn't hear you screaming on that one."  Alone is boring.

Complete with Tweety Bird Showers

Lunch

Yum. Pool. Sun. Cabanas. Beer. Morocco.

Maia, Nick and Claire

Through the thoughts of feeling lost, confusion, and excitement- we live each day with purpose and passion if not for the day but for those we love.  It is clear that Claire and I are apart from Mr. F and Chad for 40+ more days, so we decide to at least focus, live and play in that time we have left.  Create memories for us and memories to share.  To keep building our family togehter- each little pieces, making sure that every day we give 100%.  A family chooses to be happy- to give 100% each day.  No matter what your 100% looks like, Mr. F, Chad, and Claire deserve me to be there 100%.  Well, heck, I deserve to be 100% present because these three make me that happy.  

My closing thought for you is "If it's both terrifying and amazign then you should defineatly persue it." -Erada 

xo

Lex