To Exist

Existing in two places has become one of the most heart wrenching and eye opening experiences of my life. Living here, we have developed a home- a place that Chad and Joe both had to bid their farewells to months ago.  Having Joe and Chad in The States, they hold huge pieces of my heart.  At this moment, I exist nowhere fully.  However, existing in two places has oddly created a sense of understanding and discovery. We have chosen to live; to be brave with our lives.  We have managed to create, to build, and to balance. There are times that I can't find the words to share my life with all of you.  There are times that I selfishly do not want to share my thoughts because they are too personal for a village to know.  They are the thoughts that have helped me find my soul; places we allow very few to tread.  So today, as I struggle to find the words; please just try to read my heart and mind as you read:)

We are all unique- no matter where we come from, our hearts are like fingerprints.  Different thoughts, different experiences, different struggles that have all managed to make us who we are and who we continue to grow into.  If there is anything that this experience has managed to teach me it is to accept my flaws and to accept other's flaws as a part of the beauty that makes them who they are.  Not one of us is perfect.  Instead of tearing each other a part, we need to build each other up.  Smile.  Laugh.  Hug.  We all have the ability to be elegant and conduct ourselves in manners that spread kindness and love.  I can only hope that when I return I can continue to work on becoming a reflection of this not merely for myself; largely for Mr. F, Happy and Chad.  They are all deserving and in all honesty, I want my children to grow into strong, confident, and elegant human beings.

I have many flaws; many of which I can outwardly admit; ones that are hard for me to control.  I find it incredibly difficult to leave people and places.  In turn, I selfishly don't like when other's leave either- even if they need to!  Moving to Morocco was a decision that I arrived after hundreds of hours of thought.  But ultimately it came down to two reasons: "Why the hell not?"  and "If not now, then when?"  As Mr. F drove me to the airport; I sat in silence with two little kids in the back of the car.  One I had to kiss goodbye and tell her "see you soon."  The other I got to hold his hand and begin our journey together.  That entire car ride, I sat- thinking, wondering, admittedly crying.  Leaving is one of the most difficult things for me to do.  I hold fast to those I love because I manage to build my home in people, not places.  I find it hard to move forward because of this.  Building homes in people; the ones we love is wonderful, but I often find that because of that, I fear leaving as it feels as if I have cut the strings- when in fact that isn't the truth.  Reality bring truth.  By leaving we created an even sturdier home within our family.

So nine months later, here I sit- writing to all of you after 'cutting the strings.' Leaving the people and places where I housed my heart.  Where I have faced the fear of temporarily leaving those I love behind. We have built a life of experience, growing comfortable not just in each other, but ourselves.  We are filling ourselves up love and not hate; with culture, knowledge, experiences.  We are surrounding ourselves with people who have nothing but love to give; who in turn teach us how to love- as long as we are listening for it.

For you, I hope you find my odd and imperfect post interesting, possibly even thought-provoking.  Today, I hope you turn to someone-- anyone and tell them about the good you see in them.  Show appreciation for those that surround you, inspire you and work towards accepting the flaws of others as apart of their unique beauty created by their unique story.

We love and miss you all at home.

xx

Lex